the tree is gone!

now, i have a super good view outside my room because the tree right outside my room was chopped down because of the HDB upgrading program. damn it! i din realize it until last night. i was a little pissed. after all, the tree grew up with me. my sis and i used to joke that tree belonged to us because it was just right outside my room window. and now it is gone! argh! i seriously dont see any good in this upgrading program except dust, dirt, tree gone and inconvenience.

the boy in stripped pyjamas

i had attended a boy's funeral at the comfort of the red seats. it got me thinking the whole night. i just cant get the scene out of my head.

ignorance is a bliss but not to me anymore. parents are protective over their children, i wish that would never happen anymore. race identities who we are, cant we use other sources? curiosity kills the cat, i do believe in that now. living by the extreme beliefs breaks the nation, i dont want to experience that at all. one thing i am sure of is crossing the boundary can cost your dear life.

he did not understand why. to him, they were just farmers and kids whom he could make friends with. he did not comprehend his mother's objection to him going to the back garden. the love from his parents caused him to doubt his father once. people close to him were telling him they belonged to the evil forces and they were his enemies. he was confused. was his new found friend as dangerous as what the others pictured?

everything was an exploration, a game to him. he thought he was playing the same game with his friends back in town. little did he know, when the soldiers came, it was the end. where were the facilities showed in the video? we were all going to take a shower together. when the metal door was closed and the lights were off, the water for the shower came pouring in. knocking and chattering gradually died down. cries from his parents echoed through the forest. as for him, he held tightly to his friend's hand.

when the lights came back, every step that i took down the stairway weighed a ton.

holga

i am currently having this love-hate relationship with myself. i am so into lomography after i developed the photos i took at ubin. those photos were taken with dabai's vivitar. it is like the old-school camera that requires film. the best old-school function of it is i have to turn the film manually after i take a shot each time. nevertheless i love the camera and all the photos to bits. and now, i want to get a holga for myself badly. i just wish i would be rich the next day and get it. haha. keep dreaming my dear. i think i should seriously put my saving money plan into full force now. holga is my motivation.

e5 goes to ubin!

yesterday was a day filled with lousy bicycles, rain, shine, sweat and fun! we din want the normal dinner and chit-chat session. we wanted something new and different since it is our mid-term break now. it was really an expedition for the 5 of us, maybe more for me and goi cos it was our first time to ubin.

we did many crazy stuff there. trying to beat each other high score in this itouch game which i believed dingod hates it to the core now. trying to blend in with a should-be nus group. there was a tour guide attached to the group. he was explaining to them the mangrove habitat that can be found at the boardwalk. we totally did not understand what they were staring at among the green floating patches because we couldnt see anything except the green grass. so i started to point and stare hard at a random spot. of course, fixing lousy bicycle which had chains kept felling off and pushing our bicycles up the steep upwards slope. the craziest thing we did was where i fell. bloody hell!

it was fun to get away from the hustle and bustle of a city life sometimes. we called it a mini retreat for working hard for half the sem. let's have another expedition sometimes when we have the luxury of time again. =)

norm?

how do you define the norm? it is something that is recognized and accepted by society as the usual. i guessed i have been living my life pretty much in the pre-planned manner, which is described by many as the norm. i want to be extraordinary but first, do i have the capability to be so?

i dont agree with the norm dinner at some posh restaurant on vday. they will come up with couple set meals that are out to exploit all consumers. i dont want to be the preys of consumerism. i am not sure if they were wondering why we were having our dinner at this ramen shop at tanjong pagar on vday or they were staring at my pretty flowers. i chose to believe the later. i just want to have a cosy, quiet and quality dinner with him.

when things go wrong in life, people usually choose to adapt and make changes. do they ever ask themselves is the change what they really want? in the wrestler, he had nothing more to lose. his daughter gave up on him and he couldnt catch the last glimpse of the woman he loved. he put his life at stake. to some, it is a stupid decision to give up on your health. i see it in a different light. at least he was doing wrestling, a kind of sports that he was passionate about, till his last breath. how many of us actually have the privilege to ever do something we love?

when the future is bleak, never to give up hope. there are always alternatives available. it is just a matter of willingness to take a different path from others. i need the courage to take that big step forward now. i need conviction to quit myself from thinking in the norm way. sometimes i think would i be a happier person if i were not trapped in this pressure cooker. i enjoy the rat race pretty much but not in way when results is all that matters.

i still want to keep that passion alive, to keep doing things i truly enjoy. be a wrestler? probably in my next life when i could withstand pain even with all the role playing going on.



thank you for making this another special and memorable day for me.

xoxo

omg!! i hate myself for watching gossip girl. i dont understand why i am always so affected after watching it. i guess i dont like the direction my favourite lonely boy character is developing to. i just cant help to think what if similar incidents happen to me too? well, i dont lead the upper east life style so i dont exactly have to worry so much. ha! i hate this cynical old me, always thinking of the worst outcome, never believing that miracles do happen once in a blue moon.

i am secretly rooting for the s and d combination.

22nd birthday weekend

my birthday weekend started on a good note. went over to my sister's house for steamboat. i was pretty amazed by how much jayden has grown since i last saw him. he looks slimmer now which i am not very happy with because i cant get with his baby fats cheeks anymore. he can lift his legs up and pull them close to his chest now! furthermore, he tried his very best to sit up in his pram until his face turned as red as a tomato. my nephew is just so adorable. =)

bday was filled with simple yet pleasant surprises. i had the traditional chinese mee sua for lunch. pretty bday card and surprise arrival of the canele chocolate royle cake. dinner was at friends @ jelita. i guessed i expect too much from the french cuisine. nevertheless, i want to go back there to try their ala cart menu. after dinner, it was a trip down to the cathay to catch bride wars. not the awards winning movie but the trailer was funny enough to capture my attention.



this bday was a super duper happy one. it was spent with my loved ones. i just couldnt stop smiling. =) let's hope all bdays will be as happy or even happier than this.

happy cny

first day of the chinese new year. it is hard to escape from the house visiting tradition unless you are going overseas during this long holidays break. it can be quite tiring at time because practically i have to travel all around singapore. people dont live in the kampong style anymore. for example today, i took an hour to travel from cck to tampiness by car, along the PIE.

i used to be very excited about cny. shopping in town with friends to get new clothes, helping my parents to prepare for the reunion dinner and the best part is putting the snacks into nice oriental containers. however, the excitement doesnt seem to be there anymore as i grow older.

i am not interested to get myself tired out for cny. i do not need all the hype about cny. i only want to spend a quiet and cosy cny with family and friends. i just want to spend time to catch up with people whom i treasure and love me as much as i do. i hate to make small talks with people i only see once every year, or repeat their questions every year.

oh wells, get lots of ang baos!! happy chinese new year, pull your ears. =)

you dont have a choice

there is no complete truth to 'you determine your own destiny'. pretty often the environment, the situation you are stuck in, loved ones and money will pay a part in your decision making. so you wont be able to do exactly what you want initially. let's not talk about doing things that you like.

so what do you do when you are forced by circumstances? squat down and start to cry on the spot or maybe make a fuss out of everything and blame everyone except yourself for the outcome. no! although you are currently involved in a situation you dont like, you dont give up. why? simply because losing is not something you like.

and so you pull yourself together for the last time and tell yourself not to give up. it seems like a long and lonely journey ahead but your loved ones are always secretly cheering you on. never wallow in self pity because what you are facing now is not the end. there are many people who are fighting for the extra second in life out there and why should you give up on yours here?

you, fight on!

things that i hate about men

the world is made up of different individuals. i heard from a friend that aquarian is supposed to be at loggerheads with cancerian but my bestie is born on the 17July. i guess we dont really need to accept everything from books on how to build good interpersonal relationships wholeheartedly. seriously, it boils down to whether the other party is able to tolerant your flaws and accept you as a human being.

this group of people can get onto my nerves very easily. they are the group of people who loves to live in their own time. when things go wrong, they choose to stand right at the same spot for the longest time you can ever imagine. dont they know that time waits for no man? things dont go backwards like pressing the backspace button on the keypad. we move forward! they refuse to do anything to salvage the situation. they whine and live in self-pity. seriously, get a life! if you dont love yourself, you cant accept the same from others.

i cant say i am a super duper responsible person but you do earn my respect if you are willing to be responsible for your own actions. dont start to be defensive when others criticize you. it doesnt reflect good on you. others will just say you dont listen to advice. also, dont blame everything except yourself for a wrong. even if you are not the direct cause of the mistake, if you are put in charge of it, bear the responsibility. living at an age like yours, i seriously dont understand why do you still have to make them be worried for you? it just irks me more.

why am i starting the brand new year with such a hate-me entry? i saw what i shouldnt have. the cycle is going to start again. is it really that hard to make a clean, clear, definite, sharp cut from personal relationships? are you really that soft hearted to be taken in by the empty promises and sweet talk? i just have to tell you this, you never learn your lesson. good luck!

dont u just love it?

yes! this is the season to be fat because it is holidays after one another. first will be christmas and in approximately a week later, we will be welcoming the brand new year. there are things that i hate about this festive season but also things that i simply adore.

shop shop shop! that is probably one of the must-do thing. everywhere i go, i see people. not a single inch of space, shoulder to shoulder. i do not know that people can be that close to each other under forced circumstances. i am literally scared of crowded places because of the fear of the fainting spells. breathe in, breathe out, girl! singapore's air quality is not that bad.

a brand new year means time to get the junk out of my space. it is time to spring clean my room which i have not done. i simply do not have to explain myself because my closed friends will know how lazy i can be sometimes. however, this time round, hopefully it will be a major and fruitful project, or rather at least let the change be visible to all.

i dont know why but i always feel excited writing down my closed friends' birthdays in the coming year calendar. it comforts me by telling me that these are the groups of friends who will stick through thick and thin with me for another year. i am not alone! although some friends have been dropped out of the calendar naturally or by force, i have no regrets. it is part and parcel of life, so just embrace it.

i cant help but to feel excited about the holidays and the new year. the holidays are here to reward myself for enduring all the crap that has been happening so far. a new year signifies change and hope. let the past be history and keep moving forward. =)

why am i feeling this way?

why why why? why the hell am i feeling this way now? i am simply grumbling about it right now. i was given an option right from the start but i chose to pick the least favourite of all. am i stupid? this is just so unlike me to do such a thing. no wonder i am feeling so restless the whole day. worry that i will do or say something to ruin the whole thing and anxious that my facial expressions tell it all. oh please! just stop all these from happening and let me feel relieved at the end of the day.

away for almost half an month

taking a break from the notes. i cant believe that i have been studying for everyday since last last sat. i think i am crazy! i am not THAT diligent student. it is just that i leave almost everything to the last minute. this time round, it was due to the tight deadlines for projects and assignments towards the end of the sem. sucks! i am finding an excuse to justify myself. i hate this!

there are 3 things in life that i cannot tolerate. excuses, indecisiveness and grey area.

not sure if it is me or the influence of my secondary school cca, i cannot take excuses. if you had made a mistake, so admit it. why is the point of making excuses to avoid the punishment? it does not salvage the situation, instead it sabotages you because it gives others a bad impression of you. no time is always the common one heard. seriously, i dont believe in the phase no time. everyone in this world has equal share of time each day, 24 hours. if others were able to do it within 24 hours, why cant i? it just boils down to time management. so stop telling myself to push things back because i have no time for it.

given an option, i am sure there must be a preferred one over the other. dont tell me lame stuff like anything, i am fine with both. and the worst is to complain and whine about my decision at the end of the day. if you were really that smart in the first place, why did not u make the choice? i dont understand these people. make a decision, take a stand. is it really that hard for you to do that?

and so this brings me to my third most detest traits of people. i dont like grey areas although they often exist in life. black or white. take your pick. it is either right or wrong. giving others the grey area only add on to their burden and make them think even longer and harder. what is the majority? as long as it is more than 50 percent, can i consider it as the majority? or i should consider the majority when it is close to 100 percent. which to choose from?

why am i thinking of such things now when i am supposed to understand mathematical equations and formulas? back to the notes. =)

finally it is starting

they are finally ending. sigh of relief. this is not a break, just the start of another mugging season. not exactly looking forward, but not dreading it too. mixed feelings i guess.

i am loving my heartland bit by bit everyday. there is starbucks just near by house, like approximately 2 mins away if i walk and 1 min if i run. so it is a piece of good news. more fun! fish and co, thai express, subway, coffee bean, mof jap desserts. omg! i am loving every bit of this new place. hopefully it will last so that my life will be hip and happening. haha.

i finally found the perfect spot. actually i dont really find to look far for it. it is just right at my doorstep. i have been searching for it for a long time because it has not happened yet. it is just a matter of time. so i have decided to keep searching and fighting till i die. who knows, maybe the next step i make, i would achieve what i aim for.

just stay positive and look at the situation in many different angles. a problem right in front of me. i can choose to cry, whine and complain and push all blame to everyone except myself. all in all, i decide to give up. or a better option will be to motivate myself to try harder and ask. i want to choose the former and stay with it for the next few weeks. i want to be a winner and not a quitter.

yeah! let's bring it on now. =)

i am just like her

i did not tell you guys because i hate to see sympathy in your eyes

i heard this line while watching one of my favourites US dramas. i could totally feel connected to this character and it was clear why i like her to bits.

i guess i can describe myself as a time bomb. i dont really like sharing my inner thoughts and feelings with friends and family unless there is a need to or we are really very close. i dont see the need of making people to share my burden. but i think the ultimate reason is i hate to show my weak side to others. without sharing, everything is kept to myself, accumulating bit by bit within. who knows when will i explode and really leave this place?

nobody likes to be weak in comparison to others. i do not like to give up when things get tough. i hate to cry when i am faced with a problem because to me, crying means i am feeling helpless and it sucks. someone told me this before when i was pushed to my limits in secondary school, you cant cry in front of them. if you do, who is going to lead? simple, yet straight to the point.

i guess this is just my way of controlling extreme emotions.

i am not wonderwoman

i am disgusted by the fact that i have approximately 2 weeks to clear 2 projects. out of these 2, the prof claimed that we can finish one within 2 days. of course you can do it because you are the prof and we are the students. add to the crowd, 2 new assignments from that stats prof who doesnt announce any uploads and secretly hope that all students check their email and ivle everyday. have more fun, 2 presentations not done yet. to top it out, 2 end of sem tests next week.

typing this out makes me realise i really have lots of work to do for the next 2 weeks before i go for my study break. this is a classic example of squeezing every single drop of water out of us. dont the prof communicate or at least lunch together because they seem to be some pathetic souls, camping in their offices, staring at the screens and plotting new ways to kill us all? well, i think they did a pretty decent job here.

2 more weeks and probably a short break like a few hours and off to mugging for the big EXAMINATIONS. yeah! all the way.

xiaoyee's 23rd birthday

24 oct 08 is the day i had been looking forward to for the past few weeks. thinking of ways to make it special to surprise him. i want to make it the best because it is my first time celebrating his birthday alone with him.

we did and ate everything he loves. watching tropic thunder (damn! it was hilarious), eating the impossible dim sum and sun with moon! it was a rather private and quiet birthday. not exactly the typical birthday when you have groups of friends gather together and giving you their best wishes. i kinda like the former. at least i dont have to entertain the guests with a few sentences and hope they will feel at home. so just put away the social entertaining.

yeah! finally you are 23-years-old. hope you had fun and enjoyed your birthday. love you. =)

just another night

this is one of those nights which i missed. just sitting in front of the TV with my mum, chatting. occasionally i would laugh at her because she usually fell asleep in front of the TV and claimed that she wanted to watch TV. tonight, it was a serious talk.

she could not see my efforts. was it i did not try hard enough or she did not understand? i did not explain much because she could forget something i told her a few weeks ago, so why bother. i just sat there and listened.

although she did not say it directly, i could sense she has high hopes on me. something like to be as good or even better than my sister. she would not approve any arguement on this. stress? definitely, but i have to take it as a good motivation. i have always told myself that i must do well in the future so that i could provide her a good retirement. she would not have to work this hard anymore. now, how should i define 'well'?

put the serious stuff aside. it is only the weekend.

throat infection

today was the most horrible, painful test i had ever taken. my health is failing me recently. i thought all was well last week but no! the throat infection is still there, leading to this fever i am having now. gross! i think it is time for me to purge out all the toxics in my body, probably readjust my body alarm to a slightly healthy one, and yes, move my body a little bit more.

this failing health. boring. sucks. maybe i am not handling things well within my control. maybe i should learn to let things go sometimes. maybe i should learn how to relax. damn.

i am going to be a real good girl, camp and lock myself in my room, rest and take my medicine. i am going to get my pink health back in no time. =) just wait and see.

travelling

dont u just love travelling programmes on TV? you can go around the world at the comfort of your home. looking at interesting places and learning new facts about people and culture that you never realize. ultimately, making a decision to go on a tour when you are free someday.

yes! that is what i am feeling exactly when i was watching my lunch time programme just now. they went to germany and i was attracted to every sight, colour and flavour of the place. that is one of the countries i really want to visit. europe! a totally different experience from asia.

i always wanted to go backpacking around the world, something like around the world in 80 days. bt seriously, will i ever have the financial ability and time to do so? living in fast-paced singapore, i can hardly find time to catch my breath. bringing the necessities, my laptop to write about all my wonderful experiences and my handphone for emergency matters. travelling from one stop to another, embracing everything with no plan in mind. i just want to know more about everything.

if and only if i can put everything on hold and go on an amazing trip, i may or may not be a better and happier person. guess i am tired from school and dying for a break. i have been sick of school since last week and this mid term break isnt helping much. damn. guess the break will come eventually after next week.